Okay, I'm either a very bad homosexual (not an evil homosexual, mind you, just bad at being a homosexual. See the difference? J. Edgar Hoover = Evil Homosexual; Crash = Bad Homosexual) or I just don't have the right sense of humor for these sorts of things . . .

Tonight I was at Mike'nDavid's (though David wasn't there so I guess I was just at Mike'n's). A trip to his apartment means . . . TV!!!!!!! Woo hoo! (for those of you who are confused, I don't have a TV, so watching it is a bit of a treat)

Watched So Graham Norton (which I love), the last half hour of the final episode of M*A*S*H*, The Family Guy (which is the most brilliant thing on TV . . . naturally it was canceled), bits and pieces of Grease (which to Mike's mortification, I sang along with), South Park. All of that was great.

Then I saw that Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was on. Being a good 'mo, I thought I'd check it out. For five minutes I sat staring at the set with my "Springtime for Hitler" face on, before I got so annoyed that I had to change the channel.

All I could think of was smacking the shit out of these guys. Well, not Jai because he's adorable. Now I don't dislike it for the stereotypical behavior or anything like that. There are queeny gay guys, Lord knows, and God bless 'em. It takes all kinds. I have no problem with that. But these guys were so fucking irritating. I mean . . . good God!

Now like I said, maybe it's just that I don't like that sort of show. I mean, I pretty much want to bludgeon Wayne from TLC's "What Not to Wear" too. I'm okay with Stacey 'cause she isn't a complete idiot. I don't like the haircut guy . . . Nick, I think his name is. Look at his hair. Do you trust a hair stylist with hair like his? Not me. In fact the only one on that show I like is the make up woman, Carmindy. She's funny, sexy and knows her stuff. Everyone she touches looks great.

A brief digression . . . I hate, hate, hate that Wayne wears rugby jerseys on that show. First . . . I can't picture him on a rugby pitch. Second, when he wears the red one, he looks like fucking Gilligan. That's fashion??? And don't even get me started on that hair.

Back to QEftSG. Clearly, I just don't get it.

So please, someone explain to me what I'm missing.

And while we're at it, would someone explain why I'm supposed to like the American version of Queer As Folk? The British one was great. And I would happily be Charlie Hunnam's love slave (Daniel, if you're reading this, you're still my first choice . . . Charlie if you're reading this, I only said that to Daniel to throw him off our trail). But the American one? The only characters I like are the dark haired lesbian (Melanie?), Randy Harrison's mom (Mrs. Justin's Mom? Does she even have a name?) and Sharon Gless (Debbie?), who's way over the top, but so what? She was Christine Cagney. Everyone else is pretty much detestable.

Clearly, I'm a bad homosexual. I hope they don't take away my membership and make me start sleeping with girls.

I guess I'm turning into an old grump. Or just more of one. Crash the Curmudgeon. Hmmmm. It ain't exactly Alexander the Great or Richard the Lion-Hearted, but I suppose it will do.