Monday, September 08, 2003

Most days, I feel like the ugliest gay man on the planet. I know, I know . . . I'm not. God knows one trip to the steam room at the 14th St. YMCA puts that worry to rest. But we're talking about perception tainted by self-esteem or lack thereof. And most days for me, it's lack thereof.

The point is, every once in a while I look good. Now in reality, I no doubt look exactly the way I normally do; it's just that I perceive myself as looking good.

Today was one of those days.

I see it as a combination of factors. One, I got a haircut this weekend. I'm one of those guys who doesn't think about such things until someone says, "So you're growing your hair out, I see" or "Jesus, why don't you go get a haircut?" Then I actually take a look at myself and realize, yeah, I'm looking a little fuzzy. Then I get my crewcut back and all is right with the world.

The other thing was that I went to the gym. An hour on the bike revs up those endorphins and makes me feel good about myself and about the world generally.

Finally, I dressed up for work today. Normally, I go completely business casual. Today I dressed it up because I thought I was supposed to attend a meeting this afternoon that turns out to be Wednesday afternoon.

So there we go. I'm looking good today. And when I get this feeling, I smile, make eye contact and genuinely enjoy myself. And of course people resond to it.

Here, then, is the $10,000 question. How do I make this last? Why is it so easy for me to lose this feeling? Because I'll tell you, I like the way I feel now.

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