I skipped rugby last night. It's clear to me that I won't be playing this season. Oh well. My own fault, really.

Truth be told, I've been so depressed for the last . . . well, it seems like months . . . that I've been finding it hard to be motivated to do anything. So last night rugby was the casualty. All I want to do is sleep and I can't even do that. I go to bed and stare at the ceiling for hours. Between the nightmares and the anxiety attacks, what sleep I'm getting isn't terribly restful.

I think this is all some sort of mid-life crisis, albeit a little early. I always was rather precocious. I can't help but think that I've done nothing with my life so far. So here I am. Living in a city that I have no ties to. In a job that holds no future for me. Spending so much on my apartment and various other "New York" expenses that I have no real savings at hand. No boyfriend. Trailing around after my friends, hoping that they'll fill some of the void in my life, but they have their own lives to lead. As I've bitched about before, there just isn't anything in my life for me to feel passionate about.

And the worse part is, I know it's my fault.

I keep myself numb. I don't allow myself passion because it's dangerous. If you feel passion about something, you can be hurt by it. And I suppose I'm too scared of being hurt. Lame excuse, but there it is.

So, time for some changes.

My writing is always one of the first things that gets shoved aside when I'm depressed, that and the gym. So it's time to kickstart both of those. I may not play rugby this season, but I'll be damned if I'm not going to be playing in the spring.

I keep getting ideas for plays then I set them aside. My new goal is to write for at least an hour a day. Not enough to feel overwhelmed, but enough to prime the pump and get me going again.

I'm also going to look at some of the local universities to see what their Ph.D. programs are like. Clearly the job I'm in will always pay more than teaching, but I'd rather be on a campus somewhere. The environment is better.

So, let's see if any of this helps bring me back to the world of the living.