No. I started this, I'll bitch a little more and hopefully get it out of my system.

I'm sick of not having anyone in my life that I feel passionately about. I love my friends, I love my family. But my friends don't really need me in their lives and they're growing in different directions. And my parents are getting old.

I want someone who enraptures me. Someone I ache for when he's not around. I feel like everyone else has it (clearly not true, but that doesn' t matter). Or if they don't have it, it's because they don't want it. Or they've had it, lost it and are about to find it again.

Why am I here? There has to be more to life than this. And if there isn't, I'm fucked. I'm fucked because I can't stand living like this all the time. And I'm fucked because I'm too scared of dying to think that might give me some relief.

At what point is the hope going to kick in again?

I'm sick of pretending that I'm okay. Or that I'm happy or satisfied. It's all bullshit.

I just feel old and tired and lonely. How would you like to hear that when you ask someone how they're doing?

There's just no passion in my life right now. I don't feel passionate about my job. In fact, recently I haven't felt anything about my job. I know I used to love it. I remember feeling that. But now . . . nothing.

My writing. It's the same. I get sparks . . . little moments of excitement. But they fade away. Or rather, I crush them with feelings of inadequacy. Your writing sucks. You aren't saying anything anyone wants to hear. Writers like you are a dime a dozen.

So instead I just feel numb.

Sorry. I haven't been on a jag like this in a while. It just seems to swoop down and grab me when I least expect it. A good night's sleep, a long trip to the gym, a lot of unpacking and I'm sure I'll be fine.