I've been having the most fascinating chest pains for the last few days. The bad one I had on Monday felt the way I imagine getting stabbed would. Luckily after about two or three minutes of taking very shallow breaths and offering God all manner of bribes and appeasements just to let the pain end, it did.

I'm not sure, but I think I may have obligated myself to join the priesthood. On the upside, I'll probably get laid more often and black is slimming.

I suppose I should go to the doctor. Most of the chest pain, I think, will turn out to be related to allergies and congestion. Or to my tachycardia. Or maybe even to excessive caffeine intake.

But just in case . . .