A rebuttal of sorts to this man.

When You're in New York:

1. Don't tell us you just ate at the Olive Garden, Red Lobster, or any of the other middle-America McRestaurants that have invaded our city. We have every kind of food from every corner of the world and you choose to eat the same crap you eat at home?!? If you tell us that, we'll cut you.

2. Don't make fun of our names. You may not have any Roccos, Moishes, Padraigs, Esperanzas and LaKweeshas in whatever backwoods pig farm you come from, but to us those names don't even sound exotic. Laugh at our names and we'll cut you.

3. Don't waste our time arguing about whether it's a coke, a pop, or a soda. Just pay for the fucking thing and get the hell out of line or we'll cut you.

4. We know we aren't all natives. Most of us are from the Midwest or South or Europe or Africa or wherever. But we live here now and if you say we aren't New Yorkers, we'll cut you.

5. We're fiercely loyal to our politicians and we don't give a fuck what you think about them if you don't live here. Bitch about Hillary or Rudy and we'll cut you.

6. Don't try to appropriate a sacred place for your own gain or political aspirations. The WTC may merely be a symbol to you, but to us it's deadly serious. Democrat or Republican, we'll make you pay. And if you wear one of those horrible t-shirts or caps or other crap that vendors down there sell that treat it like Disneyland or any other tourist destination, you will deserve what you get. [Sorry to put a serious one in there, but this really galls me]

7. Yes the summers are hot and the winters are cold. Quit whining or we'll cut you.

8. Don't order a cheeseburger or a ham sandwich at the 2nd Avenue Deli. If you do, we'll frogmarch you back to the Olive Garden then cut you.

9. Don't talk about how much nicer it is back home. Most of us fled from "back home" as soon as humanly possible. We know you're lying and it makes us want to cut you.

10. We don't care if you can't understand our accents or our many languages. Why are you speaking to us in the first place. Back the fuck off or we'll cut you.

11. Don't complain that New York is dirty and unsafe. Our streets are cleaner than any other major metropolis (except Singapore and who the hell wants to be them?). Our water is cleaner. We're the safest major city on earth. Besides, we remember what the city was like in the '70s and '80s. You think it's bad now. Feh! Now get the hell back to Mayberry before we cut you.

12. Do not call us rude. We live here. We work here. We have places to go. We don't have time to wait while you block the whole fucking sidewalk so you can get a picture of your ugly kids in front of the Times Square Toys 'R' Us. It's just a fucking toy store, for God's sake. Now move before we knock you down, stomp you a couple of times, then cut you.

13. Don't call me and expect me to regale you with tales of my fabulous New York life. I live in a rathole studio that eats up my paycheck. I live on peanut butter and happy hour buffets. I'm wearing the same clothes as when I moved here. And I'm still happier here than I was back home. So quit using up my anytime minutes or I'll cut you.