Thursday, July 27, 2006

In Vino Douchebagitas

Or as we say in English, "In wine, douchebaggery."

Sometimes, while drinking, I say things I come to regret later (or even instantly). And when I examine the situations leading up to saying something I regret, invariably, I find I have only you, my reading public, to blame.

For why were you not at the bar keeping me from drinking? Why did you not nudge me under the table and say "Dude, shut the fuck up."? Indeed, why were you not there?

"Oh," I hear you say, "I have a job and can't watch over you 24/7." "Oh," you whine, "I live across a continent/ocean." "Oh, I only read your blog every month or two."

Feh! That's right, I said "Feh!" You only make excuses because you know, deep in your heart of hearts, that I'm right.

Well, at least I can sleep easy knowing that I was not being an asshole this evening; you were allowing me to be an asshole by your negligence.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

21 comments:

Sherry said...

I hope you were being spectacularly asshole-ish as otherwise I may have to disown you :)

Oh right, I should be ashamed. *Hang head and mutter "But I live an ocean away."*

Alan said...

Forgive me. :)

In my experience, those people who are prone to say things they might wish they hadn't, while under the influence (insert significant look toward my husband here), do not cease and desist when nudged under the table. Coughing fits don't shut them up either. Duct tape works, but I rarely take that to the bar with me (unless I'm going to the Eagle.)

Anyway, obviously: my bad. I should have shut you up. :)

David said...

You don't step on Superman's cape,
You don't spit into the wind,
You don't pull off the mask of the ol' Lone Ranger,
And you don't tell Crash to shut his piehole.

I don't believe in shame. Guilt, however...

palochi said...

Daddy drinks.

Feh.

Tuna Girl said...

Daddy drinks because you touch yourself.

Sweetie! I've done Shakira boob shaking, talked about Patrick's penis, and called the bartended Hot Boy all while under the influence. And you never stopped me!

*Actually, I was stone sober when I shook my boobs in front of hundreds of people, but hey...I can still blame you.

Tuna Girl said...

Daddy drinks because you touch yourself.

Sweetie! I've done Shakira boob shaking, talked about Patrick's penis, and called the bartended Hot Boy all while under the influence. And you never stopped me!

*Actually, I was stone sober when I shook my boobs in front of hundreds of people, but hey...I can still blame you.

Jess said...

I'm so ashamed. Can you ever forgive me?

scottk said...

Sorry but i was being too worried about the possibility of a hurricane wiping me off the face of the planet to tell you to shut up. He is just a lil ole tropical depression now , but still .....

Jeff said...

Karen, as long as you don't sing like Shakira (whom I affectionately call "that braying donkey"), the boob shaking is permissible.

If you were telling the truth, then by definition it does not make you an asshole. Come on, embrace your inner Anya.

Of course, if you don't know who Anya is, then we have nothing to say to each other.

Jere said...

As for me...well, I just wasn't invited to your evening of drunken pontificating, so couldn't have been there to help. :)

Jere said...

As for me, I just wasn't invited to your evening of drunken pontification, so I had no way of knowing that my assistance might be needed. :)

Brian, the 646 Guy said...

I would be ashamed but I was probably having sex at that moment and what I did that night was probably more shameful so I'm just gonna say nuthin' and sit here with my Diet Dr. Pepper and giggle....

Robert said...

"Dood, shut the fuck up!!!"

Now if only you can remember that next time BEFORE you get plastered! So let's all hope this kinda schitt will never happen again!!!*

Happy Friday sweetie.

*But it prolly will! :-)

Lee said...

In Jeff's honor:

Anya: It's like we live in Slayer Central. I swear, if Buffy rooms or boards one more of the potential girls, I'm gonna call a health inspector.

Spike: I like my plan better. Get up, get out, get drunk, repeat as needed. It's just more elegant.

--------
Anya: How can I help?

Willow: Uh, distract him from Buffy. Uh, piss him off.

Anya: I don't know how!

Willow: Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off.

Anonymous said...

P.S. At least you didn't pull a Mel Gibson!!

--Lee

Tuna Girl said...

Jeff, Honey. I sing like Tori Spelling.

Legend said...

Well, I blame YOU for not coming to MY aid. I was the drunk sittin' right beside you!

Doug said...

You're still hammered aren't ya?

Shut the fuck up.

You're welcome.

Andy said...

It's true, the bar has now been lowered. As long as you didn't go on a paranoid Jew-rant and/or call a police officer "sugar tits," you're okay.

palochi said...

Can I still call an officer "Sugar Tits" if he's got really great pecs?

Gayest Neil said...

There is a gentle art to being a spectacular @sshole. It's a fine line.