Monday, July 10, 2006

Five Questions

A while back, RcktMan Rick asked me five interview questions. I'm finally getting around to answering them. You can all stop holding your breath now.

Rick is a pretty amazing guy. I wish I knew some way to ease the pain he's going through now, but the best I can do is say that he is in my thoughts. And in a break from my usual style, I'm going to try to answer these honestly as possible. I may even manage not to sound whiny or glib.

1. In one of your recent posts, you talk about being hit on at a bar, and then you list the requirements for someone to date you. All kidding aside (as I am quite sure you weren't serious when you wrote that, because in my cynical mind, I think a lot of the same things about myself), what are the REAL things that you hope for in a dating relationship?

Yep. Clearly the list was a joke, born out of all the bad relationships (real and imagined) that I've had in the past. More than anything, I just want someone who makes me want to be a better person. Not that the guy wants or needs me to be different, but that I love him so much and am so secure in our relationship that I can let go of all the baggage that I've been carrying around for so long and can be myself, whoever that may turn out to be. My great fear is that I won't find a person like that, or worse, that it's some sort of pipe dream that I've created from a steady diet of TV and movies. But I think I've seen it in some of the couples I know.

I'd also like someone who has some of the same interests I do, but different ones, too. And that he enjoys teaching me about the things he loves that I've never experienced as much as he enjoys learning from me.

And maybe someone adventurous. Not sky-diving adventurous necessarily, but more adventurous than me. Someone who would push me beyond my comfort zone and help me grow.

2. You mentioned in another post that you have dreams where you are visited by your late grandfather. I have had similar dreams as well, only they are with my grandmother. I visit her in her second to last apartment (the one I liked the best) and we just sit and talk, although I can never remember what we talk about when I wake up. What would you like to talk to your grandfather about, and why do you think he wants to talk to you?

It may sound odd, but it's not really about talking to my grandpa. It's about being around him. He gave the best hugs in the world. He's been gone for twenty years now, but I can still feel them, as though he were still here. They felt like safety and unconditional love and comfort and everything good in the world. A part of me hopes that heaven is simply that, a hug from my grandpa.

As for what he wants to talk to me about, or why I've been dreaming of him, I don't know. Could it be him (or my subconscious using him as a symbol) telling me to calm down and not worry about things in my life? Possibly. Whatever it is, I take some comfort in seeing him, even if it's just in a dream.

3. You're in the middle of a pretty intense job search right now. I feel your pain about your current job, because I have felt extremely under-appreciated for the last few years but I simply HATE the thought of having to update (in this case, re-write) my resume, hunt for job openings, and pound the pavement looking for something better. What are the three top requirements you have for a new position, and why would they help you choose whether or not the company is right for you?

Well, that has hopefully become a moot point with my decision to return to grad school. But assuming it hadn't, the main thing for me at this point is that the job be in theatre or the arts. I am so sick of working for a soulless corporation. It would be a lot less money and a lot more work, but I would love to feel passionate about my job for a change.

So, quick answer: 1) in the arts, 2) makes me feel passionate, 3) good people.

In the arts because that's my background. Makes me feel passionate because life is too short to spend 8-10 hours a day feeling miserable. And good people because I want and need to be surrounded by people like that.

4. Your blog name, Crash and Byrne, seems to be the running theme throughout your blog persona. Do you really feel that life is full of 'Crashing' and 'Burning'? How do you rebuild yourself after a 'Crash and Burn' episode?

Crash and Byrne is not something that I put much conscious thought into. Clearly, it's a pun on my name, but really, it was the only thing I could think of. Well, I could have chosen Byrne, Baby, Byrne. But that hated song has been dogging me since elementary school, so it wasn't really an option.

When forced to examine the idea of crashing and burning, though, I suppose you could say it's one of my big fears. Failure. Embarrassment. Feeling ridiculous. Taking a risk and having it blow up in my face. It's paralyzing most of the time. That's why I think I've been in a holding pattern for the last decade, doing as little as possible, taking as few risks as possible, trying to be invisible. In ten years, the only daring thing I did was start playing rugby and even that tanked, mostly through self-sabotage. Whenever a play starts going well, I quit writing it. Or if I do finish one and send it out, the first rejection I get ruins it for me and sends me into a spiral of self-loathing. It's really fucked up.

And based on past experience, I don't really do well after a true crash and burn episode. I'm still really fucked up over a relationship that I had in college. There are things I refuse to do because someone at some time made fun of me for doing them. I live in dread fear of being talked about or laughed at. Normal people move past these things. I wish to God I knew how to.

5. Your use of sarcasm makes me giggle like a schoolgirl. I fully believe that sarcasm is our friend. Do you subscribe to that notion?

Sarcasm and humor are our friends, however they can also be defense mechanisms. It's either make them laugh at someone else so they won't hurt you, or hurt yourself so they don't get to draw first blood. The problem for me is turning it off. Not just when I direct it at my friends and hurt them when I don't mean to, but the constant barrage of sarcastic comments that I throw at myself.

To make an odd and kinda gay analogy, humor for me is The Great and Mighty Oz. Usually I use it when I don't want people to look at the frail old man cowering behind the curtain.


And there we have it. Five questions answered. And, my, oh my, didn't it turn a little dark there toward the end? I think I avoided whiny and glib, but it seemed to have landed me smack dab in the briar patch of my mind. Well, what the hell, those of you who know me probably realize I'm a little fucked up. Those of you who don't . . . feh, what do you care?

Rick, I hope this was what you had in mind. I bet you're sorry you didn't ask the "what kind of tree would you be" question.

Anyway, since this is a meme, I am posting the rules. If you'd like to be interviewed, here's what you do.

So now it's your turn: here are the rules!

If you wish to participate, leave a comment saying, 'interview me'.

I will ask you five questions - totally different from the ones I was asked.

You update your journal or blog with the answers to the questions.

You include this explanation of the rules and an offer to interview others in the same post.

When others comment asking to be interviewed, you ask them five new questions.


palochi said...

Oh Crashie, you always make me giggle like a schoolgirl too. :-)

And who isn't fucked up in one way or another? It's how we let that fucked-up-ness affect the others around us and how we let it limit ourselves is how it all really matters. Or so I keep trying to tell myself.

Hmmm... interview me?

Wayne said...

yeah. Giggle like a school girl here too. :)

RcktMan Rick said...

Hey Crash... fantastic answers. :) And thanks for the supportive note. The support I've been getting from the blogging community has been wonderful. It helps so much.

So what kind of twee would you be and why?

Oh wait... I'm done asking the questions. Sorry. :)

Joe said...

Don't know if you'll get to read this, but there is an excellent track on a live LP by Sheryl Crow called Crash and Burn. You might like that more than Disco Inferno...