In Vino Douchebagitas

Or as we say in English, "In wine, douchebaggery."

Sometimes, while drinking, I say things I come to regret later (or even instantly). And when I examine the situations leading up to saying something I regret, invariably, I find I have only you, my reading public, to blame.

For why were you not at the bar keeping me from drinking? Why did you not nudge me under the table and say "Dude, shut the fuck up."? Indeed, why were you not there?

"Oh," I hear you say, "I have a job and can't watch over you 24/7." "Oh," you whine, "I live across a continent/ocean." "Oh, I only read your blog every month or two."

Feh! That's right, I said "Feh!" You only make excuses because you know, deep in your heart of hearts, that I'm right.

Well, at least I can sleep easy knowing that I was not being an asshole this evening; you were allowing me to be an asshole by your negligence.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Pet Peeve

The following words are not interchangeable:

Blond and blonde
Brunet and brunette
Masseur and masseuse

and I'm sure I'm out of fashion with this one:

Actor and actress

Well, that's it for today.

Another meme

From Rick:

Things always in my backpack:
1. Notebook and pen
2. Umbrella
3. Checkbook
4. Business cards
5. Cell phone

Things in my wallet:
1. Receipts
2. Credit cards
3. Book/play/article ideas I've scribble on scrap paper and don't want to lose
4. Driver’s License
5. Money

Things in my fridge:
1. Hard cider
2. Jell-O
3. Apples
4. Milk
5. Two cartons of eggs that expired in May

Things in my closet:
1. My skinny clothes
2. Guest bed
3. Rugby gear
4. Ugly shoes
5. Rugs

Things in my car:
Well, my car is a subway so here goes
1. Street people
2. Fast food remains
3. Unidentifiable odors
4. People with iPods
5. Attitude

Things on my desk:
1. Monitor
2. Books
3. Pens
4. CDs
5. Broadway Bares program

Affirmations

This morning on my way into work, I ran into a co-worker. We chatted about the (horrible, disgusting) weather and she mentioned that she had an affirmation that she uses on days like this "the weather is like a hug." In effect, making something positive out of a hot, humid negative.

That led me to think that I need an affirmation. I started with "Adversity leads to growth." But that sounded too Dr. Phil.

That's when I came up with "I am a strong, black woman and ain't nobody gonna keep me down!"

That was followed by a giggle fit in the (very crowded) elevator.

Five Questions

A while back, RcktMan Rick asked me five interview questions. I'm finally getting around to answering them. You can all stop holding your breath now.

Rick is a pretty amazing guy. I wish I knew some way to ease the pain he's going through now, but the best I can do is say that he is in my thoughts. And in a break from my usual style, I'm going to try to answer these honestly as possible. I may even manage not to sound whiny or glib.

1. In one of your recent posts, you talk about being hit on at a bar, and then you list the requirements for someone to date you. All kidding aside (as I am quite sure you weren't serious when you wrote that, because in my cynical mind, I think a lot of the same things about myself), what are the REAL things that you hope for in a dating relationship?

Yep. Clearly the list was a joke, born out of all the bad relationships (real and imagined) that I've had in the past. More than anything, I just want someone who makes me want to be a better person. Not that the guy wants or needs me to be different, but that I love him so much and am so secure in our relationship that I can let go of all the baggage that I've been carrying around for so long and can be myself, whoever that may turn out to be. My great fear is that I won't find a person like that, or worse, that it's some sort of pipe dream that I've created from a steady diet of TV and movies. But I think I've seen it in some of the couples I know.

I'd also like someone who has some of the same interests I do, but different ones, too. And that he enjoys teaching me about the things he loves that I've never experienced as much as he enjoys learning from me.

And maybe someone adventurous. Not sky-diving adventurous necessarily, but more adventurous than me. Someone who would push me beyond my comfort zone and help me grow.

2. You mentioned in another post that you have dreams where you are visited by your late grandfather. I have had similar dreams as well, only they are with my grandmother. I visit her in her second to last apartment (the one I liked the best) and we just sit and talk, although I can never remember what we talk about when I wake up. What would you like to talk to your grandfather about, and why do you think he wants to talk to you?

It may sound odd, but it's not really about talking to my grandpa. It's about being around him. He gave the best hugs in the world. He's been gone for twenty years now, but I can still feel them, as though he were still here. They felt like safety and unconditional love and comfort and everything good in the world. A part of me hopes that heaven is simply that, a hug from my grandpa.

As for what he wants to talk to me about, or why I've been dreaming of him, I don't know. Could it be him (or my subconscious using him as a symbol) telling me to calm down and not worry about things in my life? Possibly. Whatever it is, I take some comfort in seeing him, even if it's just in a dream.

3. You're in the middle of a pretty intense job search right now. I feel your pain about your current job, because I have felt extremely under-appreciated for the last few years but I simply HATE the thought of having to update (in this case, re-write) my resume, hunt for job openings, and pound the pavement looking for something better. What are the three top requirements you have for a new position, and why would they help you choose whether or not the company is right for you?

Well, that has hopefully become a moot point with my decision to return to grad school. But assuming it hadn't, the main thing for me at this point is that the job be in theatre or the arts. I am so sick of working for a soulless corporation. It would be a lot less money and a lot more work, but I would love to feel passionate about my job for a change.

So, quick answer: 1) in the arts, 2) makes me feel passionate, 3) good people.

In the arts because that's my background. Makes me feel passionate because life is too short to spend 8-10 hours a day feeling miserable. And good people because I want and need to be surrounded by people like that.

4. Your blog name, Crash and Byrne, seems to be the running theme throughout your blog persona. Do you really feel that life is full of 'Crashing' and 'Burning'? How do you rebuild yourself after a 'Crash and Burn' episode?

Crash and Byrne is not something that I put much conscious thought into. Clearly, it's a pun on my name, but really, it was the only thing I could think of. Well, I could have chosen Byrne, Baby, Byrne. But that hated song has been dogging me since elementary school, so it wasn't really an option.

When forced to examine the idea of crashing and burning, though, I suppose you could say it's one of my big fears. Failure. Embarrassment. Feeling ridiculous. Taking a risk and having it blow up in my face. It's paralyzing most of the time. That's why I think I've been in a holding pattern for the last decade, doing as little as possible, taking as few risks as possible, trying to be invisible. In ten years, the only daring thing I did was start playing rugby and even that tanked, mostly through self-sabotage. Whenever a play starts going well, I quit writing it. Or if I do finish one and send it out, the first rejection I get ruins it for me and sends me into a spiral of self-loathing. It's really fucked up.

And based on past experience, I don't really do well after a true crash and burn episode. I'm still really fucked up over a relationship that I had in college. There are things I refuse to do because someone at some time made fun of me for doing them. I live in dread fear of being talked about or laughed at. Normal people move past these things. I wish to God I knew how to.

5. Your use of sarcasm makes me giggle like a schoolgirl. I fully believe that sarcasm is our friend. Do you subscribe to that notion?

Sarcasm and humor are our friends, however they can also be defense mechanisms. It's either make them laugh at someone else so they won't hurt you, or hurt yourself so they don't get to draw first blood. The problem for me is turning it off. Not just when I direct it at my friends and hurt them when I don't mean to, but the constant barrage of sarcastic comments that I throw at myself.

To make an odd and kinda gay analogy, humor for me is The Great and Mighty Oz. Usually I use it when I don't want people to look at the frail old man cowering behind the curtain.

-Fin-

And there we have it. Five questions answered. And, my, oh my, didn't it turn a little dark there toward the end? I think I avoided whiny and glib, but it seemed to have landed me smack dab in the briar patch of my mind. Well, what the hell, those of you who know me probably realize I'm a little fucked up. Those of you who don't . . . feh, what do you care?

Rick, I hope this was what you had in mind. I bet you're sorry you didn't ask the "what kind of tree would you be" question.

Anyway, since this is a meme, I am posting the rules. If you'd like to be interviewed, here's what you do.

So now it's your turn: here are the rules!

If you wish to participate, leave a comment saying, 'interview me'.

I will ask you five questions - totally different from the ones I was asked.

You update your journal or blog with the answers to the questions.

You include this explanation of the rules and an offer to interview others in the same post.

When others comment asking to be interviewed, you ask them five new questions.

Grad School

Things I will have to do in order to apply for Ph.D. programs:

1) Take the fucking GRE again. Probably next month, which means I need a refresher soon. Luckily, I aced the test last time . . . of course that was 16 or so years ago.

2) Get letters of recommendation from two professors to whom I haven't spoken in a decade. Naturally, the person who is most qualified to write a letter on my behalf died in 2004.

3) Prepare a writing sample. Of course, they want scholarly writing and a rather substantial amount. So I can't use any of my plays (creative writing) or any of my theater reviews (too short and not scholarly). The last paper like this that I wrote was a history of swimwear. It sucked. I have no clue what I'm going to do about this.

I'm a little freaked right now.

Pop Quiz

Pick up your pens and open your blue books. This essay will count for one fourth of your semester grade.

Essay topic: Crash, fed up with the job search and dealing with all the bullshit at work, has decided to start applying for Ph.D programs. Is he insane? Be sure to use examples to justify your opinion (good starting points are the fact that students can't afford to pay rent and his rapidly advancing age).

Okay. At first, I just started looking into local Ph.D programs as sort of a 'one of these days I'll go back'. Then I couldn't come up with a decent reason not to do it now. I mean, if I apply now, I won't be starting until Fall 2007 anyway. And when I bounced the idea off my folks, they were really excited.

Is this really something I can do? I am terrified by change.

And, on a different note, a while back Rick posted some questions for me to answer. Then he went of vacation, so I held off answering. Those of you who read his blog (and you all should, he's a good writer) know what happened next. As you can imagine, I haven't felt that I should hurry and answer his questions. Now that he's back, I will. I'll post them tomorrow.

Confidential to Palochi

Palochi, I just found this online dating site, but I couldn't find your profile. I ran searches for ones containing "Starbuck" and "Crichton", but no luck.