My Ass Is Going To Be Everywhere
Hot Toddy here, guestblogging while Crash is off downloading porn or cooking or whatever it is he does. Since everyone is asking me to guest blog today, I guess I'll need to keep this short. But I wanted to make the announcement here since everyone reads this blog.
I'm going to be famous!
You remember my show Naked! ? Of course you do. It turns out that a famous Hollywood producer saw the show. How a famous Hollywood producer ended up in Portland, I don't know. Maybe he was stalking me.
After the show he came over to talk to me.
HIM: Your ass is amazing.
ME: I know . . . I mean, thank you.
HIM: It's like Brad Pitt's and Matt Damon's and Colin Farrell's . . . it's . . . well, it's Every Ass.
ME: Um . . . what?
HIM: On film, I mean. Your ass could pass for anyone's. You have to come to Hollywood with me and be an ass-double. I'm going to make your ass famous. Believe me, after a year working with me, your ass will be everywhere. It will be the buzz. Your ass will be on everyone's lips.
ME: Okay, I'm leaving now.
Sure, it sounded too good to be true. Turns out it wasn't. I'll be filming my first movie this fall. It's a demanding schedule because I'll be the ass-double for not one, but TWO famous Hollywood stars. I can't tell you their names, but they rhyme with Nen Naffleck and Natt Namon. So remember, when you see their next movie and you're salivating over their naked buttocks, you'll actually be salivating over mine. Twice!!
This turn of events led to a problem. What to do with Yum Yum Brotherhood. Well, I thought and I thought. And I thought some more. Then my head hurt so I took a nap. Then I thought a little more and it didn't hurt this time. Then it hit me.
Every star needs groomers.
So I got the producer to hire the Yum Yums to be my official ass groomers. We haven't decided who's going to do make up and who's going to do hair and who's going to be the official masseur; I guess I'll let them decide. The important thing is they will all be there, sharing my six-bedroom Malibu beach home (thanks to the studio). Life will be great.
I have one other little bit of news . . . Fox approached me to see about doing a reality series about my ass's first movie. I haven't decided yet. I don't want America to get tired of my ass too soon. I mean, who wants to be the next J.Lo?
Posted by Guest Blogger Hot Toddy on July 27, 2004