I remember reading a book (gay fiction, natch) that had the following life lesson: you can have two of the three following things at any one time - a good job, a good apartment, a good relationship.
Now, my self-esteem being what it is, I've always believed I could have one of the three things at any time. When I moved to NY, I had a good apartment, the job was brutal, and I was alone. By the time the apartment got to be too much to handle (I had four roommates), I was liking the job, but I was still alone. When I moved to Chelsea, I loved the apartment, hated the job, and was alone.
Now I find myself hating my job, hating my apartment, and alone.
The problem, of course, boils down to fear. I am scared to leave the security of my current job, I'm scared to go through the interviewing process, I'm scared to put myself out there. Same can be said for apartment and boyfriend hunting.
I'm not one to take chances. A great line from Wicked, "those who don't try/never look foolish." I spent my childhood being the one who was laughed at and made fun of. Naturally, I'm a little gun-shy nowadays.
So how do I beat that? How do I force myself to take the risks that I have to take? How do I keep from living my life in a safe monotonous rut?
Well, I've been applying for jobs, both in my current field (one opened up today) and in theatre. The apartment thing . . . well, I'm not going to worry about that for now. I think if I get myself in a good place as far as work, I'll care less about the apartment.
The boyfriend . . . I'm not sure I can tackle that one yet. The best I can do right now is to be more social. Go out with friends at least once a week. Maybe get involved in a new activity. I'd love to find a writing group to join.
We'll see, I suppose.
In the meantime, if anyone wants to hang out sometime, let me know. I need to get out of my house and out of my head.