Pissing into the wind

Every once in a while the self-doubt gets overwhelming, and it feels like everything I do is futile.  Why do I write, create, try?  It seems that I put things out there to a world that doesn't want them.

It's so easy not to.  To quote Wicked (sorry about that), "those who don't try never look foolish."  So why do I keep trying?

Anyway, today is a big old self-doubt day.  However, I'm going to "beast through it," as my trainer frequently exhorts me to do when we're working out.

Maybe no one gives a fuck about what I write.  Fine.  I'm still going to write it.  And while I feel like I'm not getting any validation right now, that's just my self-doubt talking.  When I'm in a better place, I won't feel this way.

One week

One week with no TV.  I've been writing a lot for my various blogs.  I've gotten stuff done around the house.  I've caught up with friends and family without surreptitiously trying to watch Family Guy while only half-listening to them.  I've read a couple of books.  I've downloaded music.  I've gone to the gym.  I've cooked.

All sorts of cool and exciting stuff.

That said, I'm so damn tired I could vomit.

Balance.  I've got to work on balance.

Well, that was grim

Just went through and updated my blogroll. Where the hell is everybody?

Broadway Backwards

A few comments about tonight's Broadway Backwards event to raise money for the LGBT Center and Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS:

1. I would gay-marry Len Cariou at the drop of a hat. Granted, he's a little outside my normal age range, but damn . . . that voice, that acting.

2. Hearing the LGBT Center Youth Chorus sing "Children Will Listen" was amazing.

3. Mario Cantone is fracking awesome.

4. There are some hot chorus boys in this town.

5. If someone had told me at 8 years old that one day I would attend an event where I would see Mrs. Brady and Mrs. Cunningham make out on stage, I wouldn't have believed them. And I probably would have been upset by having a grown up talk to me about girls kissing.

Mixed blessing

Called my stepmom today, and for the first time in six months got the answering machine. It was my dad's voice.

Once I was done crying, I realized it was really, really nice to hear it again.

Now I think I'm going to cry a little more.

Social

I've gotten into the habit over the past few weeks of meeting one of my Astoria friends for brunch on Sundays. We just go to a diner and catch up.

I've gotten out of the habit of this kind of socializing. Most of my friends are couples now, so they naturally want to spend time together. The others tend to live in (or want to meet in) Manhattan, which makes brunch kind of a schlep.

I like just being able to walk a couple of blocks to a neighborhood diner where I see the same people week after week. Kind of like a diner version of Cheers - everybody knows your name (but it being Astoria, the name is most likely Greek).

It's energizing being able to talk about the good things that are going on in my life (or the bad, depending on the week). We encourage each other in our lofty goals and our day-to-day struggles. It's nice.

Plus, I don't have to travel by subway to get there or back.

It's easy for me to forget to explore and enjoy my neighborhood. Hopefully, I'll start doing more of it.

What I've been up to

I've stopped watching TV for Lent. So far not so bad, but I'm only on my fifth day.

What I've discovered is that I watch way too much TV. I'm kind of amazed at how much time this has freed up. I'm doing a lot of writing and reading, which is pretty cool.

Along those lines, I've decided to make more of an effort to keep up with the blog.

Since I haven't been doing too much, I thought I'd focus on the books I've been reading. Last week it was Deja Dead by Kathy Reichs and A Lion Among Men by Gregory Maguire.

In both cases, I enjoyed aspects of the books, but neither were ones that I imagine I'll read again.

Deja Dead was Reichs debut novel. I've also read Deadly Decisions, Fatal Voyage and Grave Secrets. Not really going in order, but no big deal.

I keep thinking I should give these books a chance to grow on me, and I keep getting disappointed. Part of it is that I came to Reichs' books from watching "Bones" on TV. As a result, my image of Tempe Brennan is based on Emily Deschanel's portrayal, and on Hart Hanson's writing (although Reichs' has written for the series as well, I think Hanson's influence is stronger). The Tempe Brennan in Reichs' books is not much like the one on TV, and what it comes down to is I like TV's Tempe Brennan better.

The story is good: a series of murders in Montreal, a link that Brennan discovers, a search for the killer, Brennan fighting for her life and possibly that of her best friend and daughter. All good stuff. The problem is that Reichs' tends to get into the minutiae of forensic science, often bringing the story to a screeching halt while she describes the science behind the various tests. I don't really need to know how the tests work, just tell me the results. Not to say that it isn't interesting, I just want to keep going with the story.

A Lion Among Men is the third in Gregory Maguire's Oz series. I also read Wicked and Son of a Witch. I feel like I should like these books better than I do. I like the stories, the interesting and complex characters, and the sprawling, messy Oz that Maguire envisions. I just always feel vaguely dissatisfied by the books.

I do like Maguire's writing style, so I think I will try some of his other books and see what I think.