Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Peace on earth and mercy mild

Every Christmas season, I have a goal. It doesn't involve getting my Christmas cards out on time (or even out period). It has nothing to do with not eating all the wonderful food my mom makes, or remembering to buy presents for everyone.

My goal is to avoid two songs: Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer and The Christmas Shoes. The first, because it is a grotesque reminder of everything that is wrong with the modern Christmas holiday. The second, because it is blatently bathetic in an "Oh Lord, I done learned me a lesson from a little kid, his dying mama, and Jesus" sort of way. (Seriously . . . the kid wants to buy a pair of shoes for his mother because he wants her to look beautiful "if Mama meets Jesus tonight." Ugh.).

The people who wrote, sang, and continue to play these songs deserve to be boiled in treacle and served flaming with a sprig of holly up their asses, while dogs bark Jingle Bells at them.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Anyway, for the first time in recent memory (and possibly since college), I didn't hear either song during the 10 weeks of Christmas (this year, the stores in my neighborhood had Christmas and Halloween decorations on sale at the same time). In fairness, I had to sprint out of the living room with my hands over my ears after hearing the intro of Grandma yesterday morning, but still, I consider it a victory.

Things are looking good for 2008. Got to remember to eat my black-eyed peas next Tuesday.

6 comments:

Jeff said...

I have never heard that Christmas shoes song, and I am pretty sure I should be grateful for that.

Talk of eating black-eyed peas makes me want to crack a joke about skanky singers and ask if those peas will taste Fergalicious, but I shall refrain.

(See what I did there?)

David said...

Am I the only one who actually likes the "Grandma" song? I think it's hysterical. But then again, I hear it maybe once a season. And I'm Jewish.

Jess said...

boiled in treacle and served flaming with a sprig of holly up their asses, while dogs bark Jingle Bells at them

That paints quite a picture. You do have a way with words, sir! :)

Dantallion said...

Could someone please explain the black-eyed peas reference?

Crash said...

It's a Southern thing. You're supposed to eat black-eyed peas on New Year's Day to bring you good luck. You're also supposed to eat greens for wealth.

Truth be told, neither has ever been particularly effective for me, but traditions die hard.

Dantallion said...

Thanks for the info - Now I know what I'll be eating next January 1st. (hey, it can't hurt, right?)