Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Actually knowing kind of sucks, too.

The phone call was bad. One of my oldest friends (we've known each other nearly 30 years) tried to kill herself on Monday. She refused psychiatric treatment, so her family had to have her involuntarily committed. She told everyone that she is just going to try again as soon as they let her out.

She's had a really, really rough time the last several years, and she's been depressed, though I had no idea how badly.

Naturally, I'm turning this all around on myself right now. Maybe if I'd called more often. Maybe if I'd gone home to visit. Maybe if I'd just paid more attention to the signs. All that bullshit.

I found all this out yesterday afternoon. I went home after visiting Patrick and went to bed. Basically 3-4 hours early. That's how my body/mind copes with things . . . by shutting down.

Today, everything is an effort. Waking, dressing, being at work. Everything seems hazy and I'm so fucking tired.

I wish it were the weekend already.

9 comments:

Robert said...

Take good care of yourself Crash, first and foremost.

Hope you catch up on your sleep tonight.

Jess said...

As you said, there's nothing you could have done that would have changed your friend's outcome, so try to cut yourself some slack.

And the weekend will be here soon. Hang in there. *hug*

Zeitzeuge said...

Shutting down is how your body is taking care of itself. Don't worry. I hope your friend gets the treatment she needs and it does her some good. It's natural to do the "what if's". Try not to beat yourself up for it.

Zeitzeuge said...

Shutting down is how your body is taking care of itself. Don't worry. I hope your friend gets the treatment she needs and it does her some good. It's natural to do the "what if's". Try not to beat yourself up for it.

PatCH said...

*hugs*

David said...

Everyone has said all the important things already.

I will be visiting Patrick tomorrow afternoon.

palochi said...

What the fuck is up with the collective consciousness this week? First, there's the VT massacre. Then, I find out about two suicide attempts of friends of friends on Wednesday evening. Now, you post this...

The thing to keep in perspective is that she's still alive and getting some kind of treatment (whether she wanted it or not). It's not the end of her story. Perhaps, she's saying right now she'll try again. However, tomorrow might be a different story. Or maybe next week. Time and attention to the problems will provide opportunity for change.

What others said here, Crash -- nothing you could have done. Shutting down is a response to the stress you're feeling. And, taking a little more care than usual of yourself right now is imperative.

Know that I feel both yours and her pain. I've been on both sides of it. It's not a struggle I'd ever wish upon anyone.

Lee said...

FINALLY getting the chance to chime in here.

Sorry to hear about your friend! It's been such a shitty week all around.

Take care of yourself and I hope things look brighter for ya!

Becky said...

I'm sorry--it's awful to feel helpless when a friend's in trouble. Please take care of yourself.